Bring It On Baby!! Bring It On!!

Thirty-six!
Today, I'm thirty-six!
On the downhill slide to forty.
Whatever!

All I wanna know is when am I gonna feel like a grown-up?
When am I gonna feel like a big person?

I'm four years away from forty.
I have three children.
I'm on my second marriage (that sounds negative - it's not! just that I've been married to someone else before -WEIRD!)
I own my house.
I own my car.
I have insurance - health, home, auto, and life.
I have more shit than I need.
I'm fatter than I thought I would ever be.
And I'm my own boss.

All these "big people" things I'm doing, and I still feel young.
Still doubtful I have the ability to make the right choices.
Sometimes a little jealous of the freedoms I no longer have.
Still wanting to look hip and hot.
Seeing an "adult" in the mirror, but having a hard time believing it's me.

Regardless of the juxtaposition of feelings and reality - there's not one thing I would change.
Not one decision, mistake, or choice I regret.

I guess I'm glad I don't feel like a big person.
How boring would that be?

Yea, I'm doing the adult thing.
I realized a long time ago, that convention exists for a reason.
But just because I'm doing those conventional things doesn't mean I've grown old.

There's a balance to life.
I'm still an old punk at heart - defiant, critical, angry at the stupidity of the world.
But now I can see all the good things too - like babies, and true love, and good friends, and family.

And so I guess I'm in a good place - this downhill slide to forty.
I know what battles to wage now.
I know what matters most.

So I don't feel like an adult yet?
Who the hell cares?
I'm playing the game and winning so far.
And when I'm on the downhill slide to 90, I hope I feel the exact same way.

Stop The Presses!

You are so not going to believe this!

I was sitting in Wendy's today, sharing a strawberry yogurt with the Rox, and all the sudden I get a phone call.

But not just any phone call - THE phone call!

The one telling me there's a check in the mail.

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!

I should have bitched and moaned a long time ago.

My "Whatthefuckever" Anniversary

Well, it's been a year. A whole entire year. Twelve months. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. A whole flippin' year since I got one shiny dime from my ex for child support. What a glorious day, indeed.
So what's a girl to do? I have pondered and pondered and sought advice from Chris and Marcie on several occassions. And here I sit, still spinning my wheels.
I think it's time to do something. And for some reason I'm still hesitant. Is it because I have some guilt for us not being together? No, not really. I think I was fair when we split up. He got his 401K, I got the house - we had the same amount of equity in each. He got his car, I got mine. I offered him any and all furniture he wanted/needed. He took some bedroom furniture but refused anything else. He discoverd MasterCard and Visa, and didn't understand the rules of the game. But hey, that's okay! He was away from oppressive ol' me. Um, okay.
So, all was going well (this is relative you understand) and then he meets this little girl. She made him euphoric. She fed him beautiful ignorant images of what life could be. And soon visions of "Bubba Rockstar" and notority began dancing in his head. ("So good to finally be with someone who supports me instead of someone who is constantly holding me back" ie: making me be a mature, responsible MAN!)
Anyway, in his euphoric state, he went to buy a house. And in his euphoric state he took her great advice to quit his job - THE DAY BEFORE HE WAS CLOSING ON THE HOUSE!!! Can you say "downpayment poof!?"
And who, I ask you, bears the burden of the stupid choices? No wait! Don't answer that! It gets better!
He marries the little idiot! And then six months later divorces her. Without a lawyer. He gets stuck with half of the debt she came into the marriage with. This is when we all thank Cameo for getting him neutered.
Anyway, he moves back to Texas with his mother. Gets a job in the same restaurant he was working at when we moved up here. And then breaks his arm unloading god damned music equipment off a truck.
No able to work means no able to have money which means no able to take care of my children - but hey, I'm a rockstar man!
So, the day has come when Cameo returns to making this "man" a man. I am going to have to make him accountable. He's a charming person -that's why he gets away with what he does. He's not a bad person either - just stupid as the day is long. The shining example of "victim mentality" introverted. Instead of being pissed at others, he wages his fights internally - making choices with blatent disregard for rationale. Never looking at the "big picture." Never.
He calls the boys. I have to give him some credit for that. But when he does, all he talks about is his band. He never asks them about school. He never imparts any type of valuable information designed to make them think of him in a father-like manner. He never asks them about what's going on in their worlds. It's just about him and his "music." And not once has he said anything about making any type of payment. Not once! EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ASKED HIM ABOUT IT!!!
I'm tired of it. And I don't know if I go after him - "you can't bleed a turnip" or if I head down another path and approach the issue from the perspective of weeding him further out of the boys lives. I struggle with that honestly. I know it's happening already, and I have no problem with it. He doesn't have a lot to offer them.
So, with no end in sight to this dilema, I sit here and wonder how I'm going to handle it.
The boys deserve better. Hell, I deserve better! He has literally walked away from any responsibility of raising these boys. For that matter, Chris deserves better for stepping up to the plate and fathering these little men!
LET'S ALL HEAR IT FOR CHRIS!!!!!!

Yes, my friends, I made the right choice. Not only for me, but my boys.

I got nothing else.
Have a good day!!!!!

Punting In The Blogsphere

Blogging has been at the bottom of the priority list as of late. Truth is, I'm bored with it, and I don't have anything important or clever to say. I have been making the rounds, but rarely leaving comments anymore. Why? I dunno.

But I can tell you things that have been happening here if you like.

We got the coolest pictures of Roxy taken when she turned 9 months. I'll post a couple soon.

Evan is driving me crazy on a daily basis. I'm really ready for the attitude to stop.

Noah is doing pretty well. He's doing great in school.

Chris is working his ass off. I still think he's the shit. I'm amazed at how much I love that man.

Work is back in full gear. I was pissy last night.

We have banished the cats from the house. They now have their own little area in the garage. I hate that we have done it, but Lola kept peeing everywhere and well, you get the gist.

My birthday is coming up. I love my birthday.

We're breaking ground on the new dining room within the next couple of weeks! YEAH!

So, that's about it. Just normal life stuff. Still waiting to win the lottery. Still hoping for my child to lose the chip. And still waiting for those two top teeth to come in. Not anything worth blogging about really. I did win some stuff on e-bay. OOooooo.

A Good God Damned Day!

I love my kids.
I love my husband.
I love my parents.
I love my friends.
I love my pets. (all flippin' 8 of 'em!)
I love lots of things!

And today, I love the fact I have had the ENTIRE day without kids (thanks mom & dad), and my husband (sorry you're working) to get my house cleaned. And when I say clean, I mean hardcore clean.

And soon, there will be a dining room in my house (thanks honey), and a new couch (thanks dad for the delivery), and things will be settled.

So, today I send great love and appreciation for all the good in my life.
And never-ending gratitude for all the help I have in my world.